#eithna fanfiction

[fictional-men-ruin-lives]

Weakness (Fives x GN!Jedi!Reader)

Self-indulgent fic inspired by almost having an anxiety attack at work.

TW: angst, hurt/comfort, some description of injuries, anxiety/panic attack

Words: 2.2k

Note: cursive= reader’s thoughts

If it seems chaotic, good, that was on purpose

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To say the mission wasn’t going as planned was an understatement.

To start off, your transport was shot down, landing you way too off course from the objective, too close to the enemy. The clanking of droids could be heard from where you were, of course if anything could be heard over the screaming of troopers injured and still trapped within the burning vessel, shots being fired, and commands screamed by the ARC troopers. You had to act quickly if you were to save any of the trapped men- the ship could explode any minute now, fire being way too close to the fuel tanks.

“Jesse, head count! Fives, take a couple men and help those inside once I get it open! Rest- covering fire!” You screamed the orders as you cut some of the metal parts with the lightsaber. It took all your focus to lift and hold them so that the whole structure wouldn’t collapse, making a way for the others to get inside and take out as many men as possible. They were doing it too slowly, the fire swallowing each part of the ship faster and faster, surrounding you in waves of smoke. The intensifying sounds of blasters and yelling were of no help.

“General, everyone’s out!” Fives screamed while dragging out the last now unconscious trooper. Just as they stepped out, you let the parts of the ship fall. You haven’t even realized how much smoke you inhaled, too busy Normally you would have needed a moment to stabilize yourself again after this much forced focus but now there was no time. Your men were screaming status reports through the comms, informing that the enemy battalion is approaching fast. There was not enough time for everything that needed to be done.

“Kix, get the wounded to the back, see if you can find some cover and call for extraction!” you looked towards the medic, he nodded, letting you know he heard the order. He proceeded to call some men and give orders; you could come back to the current situation.

“Okay, okay.” You whispered to yourself.” Status report!”

“Three units are closing in from North, another five are two clicks from here, east!” someone responded.

That was not good. Not good at all.

You looked around frantically, quickly thinking of a plan. Your squad was small, the mission was supposed to be focusing on infiltration, not direct combat. Now that around fourth of your men were either wounded or taking care of the wounded, there was no way you’d be able to slip through to the target location.

It was questionable if you’d even make it out alive at this point.

You were looking around frantically, trying to finally assess where you were and if there were any advantages to the terrain. Kix almost had everyone behind a huge rock formation looking like a basin, enough place to land another small ship. They were covered from the sight. To the sides were small hills, with more rocks that you’d need to climb. The path to the left was open but there was a river flowing there, from the looks of it the current was quite strong. The droid units were closing in on you at the front and you could already spot the first ones on the rocky hills to the right.

Constantly looking to the sides, you were trying to quickly come up with a plan. Your mind was working full speed.

“General, give orders!” your commlink echoed and brought you back to reality.

You had no idea. It was all too fast, too much. If you just had some more time to breathe, if only you could stop for a moment.

You started to feel a tightness in your chest, as if a weight to settling in and growing with each minute. No, no, no, not now.

“Jesse, take the best men and try to get across the river, go forward with the mission and get to the target point. Fives, you and the rest stay here with me and charge, we need to redirect the clankers away from the wounded and we need to get away from the ship!” your voice sounded surprisingly steady, but you could feel your head spinning.

A deep breath was all you could allow yourself to do before you had to move out.

In the meantime, Fives was glancing at you every now and then between blasting the nearest droids, knowing what’s going on. He’s seen it too many times with soldiers, either at the battlefield or after the battle. Your movements were to hectic, too unfocused as you led the men forward. He could see that your hand trembled lightly as you reached for the lightsaber, steadying it by grabbing the hilt with another hand. Everyone followed suit and went forward while Jesse and three other men split from the group and went to the commanded direction.

Just as everyone moved away, the ship exploded, sending some troopers to the ground. As you were able to focus only on one thing at once- in this case to go forward and take the attack head-on, you were completely unprepared for the explosion. The wave pushed your body forward and you lost your balance but before you landed on the ground, a strong hand gripped your arm and pulled you back to your feet in one swift motion. His presence, as much as you were physically unable to pay attention to any more things, was more calming than stressful.

You glanced back quickly, Fives now standing behind you and shooting the droids from behind you. His calmness gave you a bit of strength to further suppress that heaviness in your chest and try to take longer breaths instead of the shallow breathing.

Just a bit longer, I can manage that.

“General, we’re behind the enemy lines, should be proceed to the target or attack?”

“General, the evac is on the way, but we’re losing Havoc!”

“We don’t have a lot of ammo left; someone go forward!”

So many voices and commands and requests. And the droids were no helping with collecting your thoughts. You just prayed you’d still be able to deflect the shots and not get hurt because of the distraction.

“Jesse, forward. Kix, I will try to reach you, just give me a moment! I… well, then…”

Your voice was breaking at the last sentence. And it took all your willpower to fight your body to move as you slashed through the droids in the first lines.

Before you could collect yourself enough to give the command, you heard Fives over the comms.

“Thermal detonators, rotary two and seven, forward!”

The troopers stepped forward, firing at the unit, and taking down a huge part of it with the detonators. Now the decision was yours, either stay and help here or run back and save Havoc. Meanwhile, you had to constantly look around you to make sure none of the droids you were now in between could shoot you. Slowly, you made your way back to your men, automatically looking for Fives. His presence was grounding, even if it was decreasing the stress level by a little bit.

He nodded to you, at least it seemed like nodding considering he had his helmet on and tilted his head slightly to direct you to the back, where Kix and the wounded were. You didn’t question, trusting him, and just sped to reach the soldiers as soon as possible.

“Alright boys, till the general is back, we have to hold the position by ourselves. That’ll be fun.” His light comment didn’t ease you one bit, you knew exactly how the situation looked like and you were all desperate at this point.

You reached Kix fast, not even feeling the small rubble hitting you as the heavier canons split the ground and hills around you and made the rocks scatter in pieces. The men were laying on the ground, the medic kneeling beside one of them and just applying another bacta patch to his injuries.

It looked bad. Really bad. Havoc’s top of the armor as well as blacks were removed to show a horrible burn and a metal rod piercing his shoulder just between where the plastoid would be. There was a lot of blood.

You quickly kneeled next to Kix and closed your eyes, trying to focus and use the Force to sense what exactly needed to be done. But whatever you did, the constant shots, the screaming of a shot soldier, troops shouting and Kix telling you something that you couldn’t quite hear, all of that made it impossible. And the more you were realizing you may not be able to do it, the harder you tried to calm your racing nerves.

Come on, come on, you can do it.

But you couldn’t. The heaviness was now fully pulling your body down, your mind tried to split itself in so many different directions you couldn’t handle all of them. But if you didn’t, Havoc could die.

Your hands started shaking and despite knowing fully well that it was a fool’s errand, you tried to shut everything out. The Force was with you, you knew it, but you weren’t strong enough to direct it in the right way.

It was impossible. No, no, but you had to. You started to panic and your mind was now unable to stop, racing down the spiral.

You had no idea how much time has passed when someone grabbed your arm and lifted you from the ground, you opened your eyes and stumbled as the hand on your lower back guided you towards the open evac ship. When did it even arrive? Confused, you looked to the side and saw it was Fives guiding you in, almost all of the troopers were now on deck, the last of the wounded being taken inside as you stepped in. The doors closed and soon enough the clanking and all the sounds of battle were left behind.

You managed to reach the furthest corner of the ship to hide before your legs gave up on you. You dropped to your knees, trying to catch your breath, to just take control of your head but it was too late. Tears started to go down your face as you clutched the robe right over your heart, desperate for air. The adrenaline you were running on was gone so now it hit you all at once. Resting your head on the cold metal of the ship, you leaned on your arm placed above your head. Your whole body felt empty but so so heavy.

The appearance of a calming presence settling over you and helped you to deepen your breathing a bit, catching a bit more air.

“It’s alright.” Fives whispered to you softly as his arm went around your shoulder, slowly and delicately guiding you away from the wall and into his arms. His helmet was laying on the ground. You could feel his warm breath on the back of your head as you buried your head in between his neck and the plastoid armor, small sobs finally escaping you and allowing to gasp for air frantically. He was rubbing soothing circles on your back. Your body leaned forward, seeking warmth and comfort and Fives was holding you close as the sobs were shaking your body, being the support you needed.

“You did so well, cya’rika. We’re all okay.” He whispered to your ear and kissed your temple before his hand was put softly on the back of your head. He hugged you tighter, the protective gesture making your small frame disappear in his embrace.

You felt so vulnerable. Being a Jedi meant never losing your cool and be able to handle any situation put before you, no matter how hard or stressful. And yet here you were, struggling to control your sobs and not able to even heal your own solider due to stress.

Pathetic.

“Can you stand up?” Fives asked quietly after a while when the sobbing calmed down a bit. Nodding, you collected yourself and tried to lift yourself up, but your legs felt like jelly. Feeling that, the clone quickly adjusted his hold on you and put his arm around your waist, lifting you up a bit and then supporting you.

“Breathe with me, okay?”, you nodded again and focused just on what Fives was telling you to do, following his actions. He never let go of your waist as you did breathing exercises together for a moment, just until you were breathing normally again.

“I thought I was stronger than this.” Your quiet voice was barely audible in the sounds of the engine, but Fives caught that. He brushed some loose strands of hair from your face and swiftly put his hand on the back of your neck. He pressed his forehead to yours, closing his eyes, prompting you to close yours too. This felt oddly calming and reassuring, the intimacy of the moment brushing off all the worries and overthinking going in your head. Even combating the exhaustion after being completely overwhelmed by emotions and tiring yourself out. It felt right.

“You’re strong. But you’re also human and have all the rights to feel overwhelmed, okay? You’re never alone in this, let me carry some of the pressure, cya’rika.”